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OMG

I cant believe my blog is still here.
It has been eons since i last posted anything here
Every year right around this time, I am reminded by Facebook Memories that I went to randomly read my blog 2 years ago and shuddered at all my old entries.

So, since im here....why not right?

Well, its 2017. I'm 30.


YAH

30

HOW THE.....

YEA.


So what did I accomplish for my coming of age into the new decade?
I got my driving licence on 5th Oct 2017 - Yes. I am intending to document this date forever coz it was SUCH a painful process but THANK GOD it only took 1 try.
Although i really dont like the person I am before and after each driving episode, Im still gonna give myself a chance to try and "like" it. I say that loosely.

I think a more accurate term would be....to get "comfortable" with it.
I dont have to LIKE it, i just need to ...be able to do it without getting paranoid and anxious and sweat through my feet when I do.
I realise i beat myself up internally everytime i get a negative comment. I try not to be defensive coz I know it comes from a place of self-blame. But yea..it really eats at me.

Ive also realised that I am really more of a perfectionist that I think I am.
Not with everything but...I guess with myself.
I used to say that I will "always give it my all...no regrets...outcome doesnt matter"...but at the same time I was probed at a self-leadership course some time back when I wrote those words down while trying to come up with a self motto by the facilitator :" why do you think you would regret? what are you thinking will happen?"

At that moment, I remember feeling like my brain just short-circuited and everything just stopped.

It was a motto I kinda lived by since I was 12.
Yes, a lot of definitive moments in my personality and outlook in life were formed by my experiences when I was 11 or 12.
And now, to be told almost 15 odd years later ( back when this episode occurred) that the lesson I thought I taught myself and which has fueled me through everything so far could actually be....a brainwashing message i taught myself that essentially stemmed from FEAR itself.

Yes, the message I thought had given me courage to accept that I am not perfect and that failure was sometimes necessary, actually came from a place of fear once again.

BUT FEAR OF WHAT?!?!

Fear of accepting ...myself.
Me and my imperfections.
Me and my idiosyncracies.
Me and my lack of confidence in ...me.

So yes...since then..I am still learning and reminding myself that this is the next phase of ME that i need to work on.
I forget most of the time and lapse into old habits ( Ness, give yourself a break before you go all judgy on yourself again, i have spent the majority of my life living and thinking this way haha)
But when i do, I try.

So well ness...

the trying aint over. and it may never be

Nevertheless.

Let's keep moving shall we?


And till my next post....Adios amigos.

Sidenote: Maybe I should do this more often. It IS kinda therapeutic :D

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