If you're here you probably know/knew me
Whatever the case, help yourself to my blahblahs, however interesting they may be.


bolditalicunderlinestrikeout

i have a lot of things to pray for
a lot of them are out of my control
i need to have more confidence in myself?
or am i just too stupid? and i SHOULD 2nd guess myself?

im worried sick and i just hope for the best on monday
please
please
please
let nothing drastic happen
please please please
let nothing happen
ill be praying everyday.

and not to mention all this talk abt the swine flu
man..its kinda scary when you're greeted by thermoscanners every morning at the doorway
and now when you see patients, you kinda just tend to be tt extra bit more cautious.
wear gloves where neccessary, wash your hands after each patient, wear a mask if you need to
man...too much thought goes into each session man..
and well...thermometers are sold out at the pharmacy. needless to say abt masks.

and well..we all know how irritating what-her-name is...
what IS her name anyway? i forgot
OH WELL
so im not gonna bother. just add another strike to the " times she pissed me off " column.

anyway
its finally thursday
the week has come to an end
im just trying to sort my brain out
and i NEED to be a HELL lot faster next week
i prefer to be cooped up in my own little world of 9A but oh well.
and oh wow. ive got a home visit on mondayyy
wheeeeeeeeee~
i need to STOP repeating mistakes
i need to THINK.
RAR

makes me wonder if im cut out sometimes
take my time? learn from my mistakes
i would love to. but shit happens.
and i think i'm REALLY lousy sometimes..
why is it other newcomers are faster than me?
do i think TOO much? are my thoughts not structured?
look at what happened now tt i decided NOT to think
i get worried also. GAH!
all this for 12 per hour.
ok..its not the money. its the experience. the lessons.
ok
good.
yes.

i shall wait to enjoy my thursday evening later
for now...ill just need to try to relax..
and well reflect when i feel better in positive light for self improvement.
ill show em.
i will.
try. back to top?

today was just highly eventful
yep
the day is only only abt 1/2way through and already so much shit has happened

im just thankful im out of that place for today
seriously
2nd class citizen in my own community
and i think they really think i suck
or maybe only SHE thinks i suck

my gad. she dares to accuse me?! freakin hell.
you wanna tick the damn list? you wanna get rid of it?
its not tt im making your work tough. i dont HAVE the kind of things and situations tt create opportunity for it
dont ACCUSE me of not having initiative to call you to come and see my cases.
i dunno what the hell youve marked on tt damned list either
you wanted to see shower assessment then you call someone else to see how i do it
you didnt even check up with her how it was? and now you're saying tt i didnt bother to tell you anything?! hello. i think tts your responsibility.
you wanna get rid of tt list? i want to too.
i tell you what. ill tear the damn thing up in your face. thats the fastest way.
and im sorry tt its been a month and i havent completed the damn thing. and dont make it seem like chicken feed tt i only work 1/2 day.
ASS
ASS
ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"we hired you locums to help us with the workload. coz we're short on manpower. you need to be faster"
we're a class of our own.


with each day that she irritates me
i wanna quit earlier each day
i wanted to strangle her.
KILL HER
MY GAD
i wanted to shove the walking frame up hers.
im so dizzy with anger now
i need to study for BTT 2mr
if not i wld go and smack my squash ball today

i left at 1 today btw
AHAHAHAH!!!
i only saw 5 though
i hate it when ppl ask me how many ive seen. i feel like shit.
BUT. i somehow dont care THAT much anymore
i will aim for 8 tomorrow. and if i dont get 8...its only coz there arent enough cases.
how ironic huh? " we're short on manpower....."
BETCHBETCH!
ok im gonna study now back to top?

needless to say.
all i am thankful for is tt the weekend is drawing near
and that i have one person i KNOW has good intentions for me in the team
ok
maybe 2
and possibly if i faintly hope and choose to close 1.5 eyes...then its 3..

SOME of the rest....
just dont understand how ppl like that exist
and how ppl like tt can be in this line
like
WOW.

BUT IN ANY CASE.
screw it
ive made up my mind
i WILL NOT be going back there to work
they prob dont want me either anyway after this
but hey! guess wad! i dont want them either!
dont get me wrong. not the whole dept sucks.
i dunno wad i prefer also lah. comparing always never gets anywhere.
but based on cold hard facts. im still never coming back, and i might wanna leave earlier than i had intended.

i like my job as an OT.
i dont mind learning new things even at the expense of them thinking i suck. i used to be conscious abt it. now i dont give a shit. imagine a vacuum sucking brains? tts wad i see myself doing now to them. sucksucksuck.
i only stand to benefit.
i like helping patients and building rapport with them
and when they show it by the way that they are frank with you and cooperate with you
and when they even give you compliments!

wad made this day less of a shit day were the tiny blessings:
- i saw 7 patients today even though some were kinda short.
- im leaving slightly earlier everyday.
- a patient complimented me and said tt i have a good heart and that ive got a "very nice face shape". WOW. female btw in case nasty thoughts come to mind -_-

at least someone appreciates the work that i do ard here...and my face. maybe someone wants to slap me when im too slow? i dunno..i sure as hell would love to do sth to theirs though.

and im not gonna list out the bad...helps when you dont actually list it out. doesnt materialize and stare you in the face.

if i had energy i would go down to swim or smack my squash ball
but i come home drained and im trying not to take naps when i get back
but i was waaaay too tired today to not take one
so yea...oh well..

i feel myself slowly moving along now
i shall aim for a consistent 6-7 by this week
and next week im gg for a consistent 7-8
betches.
i dont really care if i dont meet my stats in all honesty
or i if i meet your competency checklist
fire me if you want. im taking all this as part of learning.
im trying to LEARN now. at a measly pay (which i have just come to learn of as well)
so ALL the more im just seeing this as a LEARNING job. im not gonna feel guilty for recieving pay coz i get paid less an hour than wad the patients pay for 10mins of my time.
the only person im charging as justly as i can is the patients and tts all tt matters to me.

OH WELL
i feel better now.
im gonna plan my patients. or rather just PATIENT 2mr. wow. loooking forward to major dumping 2mr.
and im gonna enjoy my evening. screw all the shit.
having pract 2mr helps me look forward to it more
and gg out on fri helps even more.
and then nothing but better things can be expected till mon comes round again..right? back to top?

nope
youre wrong
im NOT gonna bitch or whine abt the day tt i had
im done doing that

saying it for the 4th time is gonna be lack-lustre of its TRUE essence
just know tt i hate my group ppl
amen

i can only hope tt the next day will be better
and tts my simple prayer every morning as well
OH WELL
i guess the only way to approach it is the half full half empty idea
it could always have been worse ya?

anyway
trance-y songs are helping me to calm down
love will come through. old hit. nice.
i kind have this very confused twisted feeling inside of me noww
anger, sadness, anxiety, worry, calming.....
see wad i mean?

OH! and i met kin today aft work
impromptu as it was, it was fun
aahahah
as fattening as it was for both of us, it was worth the fat
im depressed im putting on weight
actually i dunno if i am for sure
but i just feel fat
i tell myself ill come home to exercise when i come home everyday
but when i get home im waaaayyy too tired
i wonder if my irregular meals is actually screwing with my metabolism
but..oh well...

AHHH!!!
im typing crap already
OK!
i shall try to enjoy my evening
finish up my rough plans for 2mr in the next 10 mins and tts it baby back to top?

ok

its the LONG AWAITED WEEKENDDD!!!

OH MY GAD

i thought it would never have come!!

and i was actually not intending to blog
but after blog surfing a few other blogs
i realised tt everyone seems to have happy posts
or at least happier posts

so heres to cut the monotony of depressing posts before another whole week of depression commences

YAYYYYY!!!
im so happy i dont need to worry abt the next day
im so happy i dont have to wake up with a heavy heart
im so happy i dont have to feel worn out at the end of the day esp towards 12.30pm.
i love weekends!
who doesnt?
and yes...they should be longer

anyway..
wad happened aft i left work yest?
GRAD DAY DINNER!
it was so nice to see everyone again
and all dressed up
i miss talking and hanging to my classmates sometimes
you can just joke ard and at the same time share your problems
and they will be able to empathize fully almost immediately
especially since half the time the worries are related to our futures (which are as OTs)
it reassures you somehow tt you're REALLY not alone
coz these are ppl in the same profession and understand exactly wad you mean when you say you think you suck and how mentors are.
but aside from that
hiaz...gonna miss everyone man
cant imagine we'll be all over the place in a few months from now
but at least we'll all be meeting up once more for another dinner soon
so yay!

and i realised aft i got 2 more eps of greys from val ( thanks val =))
that i can REALLY relate to the doctors now
tt kind of responsibility
even though i know they have it worse
but the kind of weight your decisions carry on the person's quality of life
is i tell you.....
enough to drive you mad
which then just forces you to continuously up your game
so tt you can confidently assure yourself you've got a damn bloody good reason
before i would watch it for the drama ( duh..who doesn't)
but now its a lil more than that
im still stuck on season 5 and just finished ep 16
so...ahahaha...im in no hurry
so yea...im good

and yay! we're meeting on monday to record!!
ive been listening to the recording over and over
i even let my parents listen
and guess wad? my dad likes nobody!
AHAHAHH!
he thinks the dance moves are cute!! ahahaha!
and my mum thinks we sound better than the wondergirls
BEAT THAT
and no...shes not JUST saying it coz shes my mum..
she doesnt do that kind of thing
AHHAAH!

ok lah..i think i shld go and sleep now
or finish up my HP
yea..i stopped once i started work
left with a lil more
and well...when 2mr starts
ill have to start meditating, preparing and calming myself down
one good thing is tt i wont have to wake up early =)

OK!!
im offffffff to have a relaxing night without worries for the next day
while it lasts... back to top?

that seems to be the thing im lacking in now

forget abt how fast i think
or how well planned my treatments are
or how fast i identify problems

my confidence is shattered clearly

EVERY day when i leave work
i run ard checking tt i did everything first
i walk out of the ward apprehensively
i walk out to the office running thru a self-made checklist of all my duties for the day
i walk back to the office and am still running thru that list in my brain
im STILL running thru the list in my brain as i leave the office and think abt whether i wanna have my lunch at this absurd hour of 2pm coz i feel sick from the gastric coupled with worry
i worry that the ward or someone from the office will call me back
i worry that i forgot to do sth

i hate signing documents coz it means that i am FULLY responsible for everything
i hate doing CGT coz i worry abt dropping the patient
i feel immense amounts of stress when im at work
trying to clear my load fast
well i saw 6 patients today. thats the most ever so far.
ill keep it up and ill try to aim for 7 by friday.
take that............i need to have a name....scrunchy..
take that scrunchy!! BAH!

and you know why?
coz no matter wad i do. it doesnt ever seem to be right
i would have forgotten sth
i would have overlooked sth
i would have not done sth basically
and i know im new and i can sorta forgiven for making mistakes
BUT
you feel retarded when you keep getting told that you are so freakin not IN-TUNE with it
like
TZAH!!!!! KILL KILL KILLL!!!!!!!
myself? them?
for bringing reality so close to my face?

wadeva lah
yes..this is YET another depressing post
but i dont have anywhere else to sort my thoughts out and vent
so..there you go

i will push on and hope to increase my speed and quality in the next month
and if i dont and if i am STILL getting flak for it
then i am seriously just gonna quit
i know this is the reality of working life in a year to come anyway
but for now this is my time-filler
and i didnt take this on to be stressed out to this degree
maybe im bringing it upon myself, maybe not
but it stems from the environment as what HB always says " what the environment can afford and presses"
so i WILL quit if it gets horrid

ok..i need to go plan for my cases 2mr
so tt i can move faster and more accurately 2mr
and not to mention
i need to start studying for my driving.....which is another headache seeing that its at 2pm and i end work at shit hours coz i suck..
thank goodness i'm gg out 2mr if not i MIGHT go mad
and fri is grad dinner...hopefully i can rant and gain some empathy there.. back to top?

RAR

i hate mondays
now i know why my mum needs to meditate on sunday nights
i need to just be at home
and doing my routine to calm myself down * like i said, i query if im autistic sometimes*

come online
surf, blog, watch vids, waste time...panic later...

i dont wanna go through another 5 days of feeling stupid again
i dont want to go through another 5 days of dealing with shit ass human relations
sometimes i really think patients and their families are so much better to talk to compared to....
actually...fine..its not 5 days since i work 1/2 days
but i still have to count them one by one
its sickening

i think i will SERIOUSLY reconsider working there when i come back
i feel like a friggin burden to the team
and i dont think tts how im supposed to feel in the 1st place
i shld just go easy right?
heck them and just try to do my work the best i can?
yes
i will do it for my own learning
screw you lah if you cant meet your stats
if you wanna fire me for being slow then wadeva
AHHHHH!!

NESSSSSSS
you need to lower your own standards as well
but what are they?
who do you even try to model yourself after?
what IS the standard?
i dunno but when i figure it out i will lower them for my own mental well-being
coz i WILL die of stress at this rate
aiyah like wad princess said
its my right to ask questions as a newbie
so i shall just milk it for its worth
esp since its only the 2nd week of work now
even as a student i needed at least 3 weeks to a month to settle in the processes comfortably
so ness...calm down...

RAR
i couldnt even enjoy cats properly just now
and in case you're wondering how it was
in my opinion it was just ok. maybe i dont know how to appreciate it
i felt like the storyline is really very simple but they complicated it with the theatrics
i guess thats the point right? aahahah
but anyway
it was when i started to drift off amidst all the long dancing sequences tt i started thinking abt 2mr
then i got stressed and distressed

ok
nvm
no point dwelling
2mr is a new day
and the beginning of a new week
the only way to get to next weekend, is to get through mon to friday first.
so YES
i will be counting down the days
and hopefully long term i wont have to feel so stressed abt work
this is AFTER all supposed to just be a time-filler for myself
and i need to study for driving soon
my gad...

ok i shall do some OT thinking to calm myself down
weird how i comfort myself by decieving myself tt i 'tried' to do work
HAAHAH
denial and deception
i love it

OH!
HAPPY CONFIRMATION AND BAPTISM NORM!!!
if you see this tt is..ahaha back to top?

ok

now that i've had my nap and my cry during my walk home
i think im in a mood to rant
abt work and myself

ive been so stressed and frustrated at myself coz im the only one in charge of my ward in work
i mean, yea sure someone will cover for me if neccessary when im not ard or if i cant finish
and im still new-ish so some mistakes are forgiveable techinically
but somehow it doesnt feel like that.( i'm guessing this is wad they meant about THIS team) and knowing tt im solely in charge in time to come, makes me feel like crap coz its like responsibility thrown at me, maybe bigger than they think it is to me when im so...unaware of so many things.

and
if you ask me...i did the totaly work of 5 patients in total today
i dunno if tt 5th case is counted but i dunno
im irritated

nevermind about meeting my stats first then
im so frustrated at myself for not being able to apply basic OT processes to my thoughts
i think im thinking too much as usual
and when i see the case notes with all tt physio crap i just get overwhelmed
at least now i more or less know wad to look out for
but im still having difficulty
and i cant seem to remember what i need to take note of
WTH
KILL ME PLEASE

and then the next prob comes in thinking of planning the session
you want to be relevant but at the same time its so hard to functional
maybe im just not a very functional OT
I need to be able to think of ADLs tt the person can do man
bloody hell
see wad i mean by i dont seem to have my basics?
i always have to start from scratch when i have clinicals
its irritating
and then comes the issue of i dont feel good recieving pay as a result
ARGH

i think i just need to get used to it
i just need to get into the flow of it
of which i need to create for myself
UTS BABY, FIM..

i think i might have a mental breakdown towards the end of today again
but till then
ill try to do all the work that i need to do
hiaz
this is disgusting
once it comes naturally i think i can stop worrying so much abt the next day
i need to get it straight for myself

ok...im done ranting
i dont think any of this makes sense if you dunno wads gg on
but just know tt im in distress
amen.
and tt im looking forward to thurs and i love public holidays. back to top?

i cant think
im overwhelmed with stress and worry again



i seem to only blog when im worried huh?
my goodness i suck

i had a horrid night last night and day
but well
im trying to not think about it
i already ranted to whoever i could catch
i have immense amounts of anger in me
i wanna whack sth like a squash ball

im just worried abt seeing patients 2mr
i think i suck man
orientation was like....WHAAAAT?
and now.......i have to see patients?!??!!?
oh my gad...kill me...

ok...ill quit whining
just gotta see what happens 2mr
ill just do my best
and not panic
pray for me!
wish me luck!! back to top?