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bolditalicunderlinestrikeout

today for the first time in a loong time...i cried..in front of ppl...i hardly cry..and when i do its usually by myself...

i guesss..i juz want the gold soo badly i am THAT stressed abt it...i want it sooo bad...if we do get gold..it wld mean a LOT of new things for us...and juz for once................i want to be from a gold choir...like officially...it has always been my dream...and the dream is soooo near reality..its sitting on the border btwn reality and fantasy..but we juz can't seem to cross the line towards reality all the time at practices...we keep taking steps forward and backwards...its frustrating not to mention worrying...but i am sure we can do it...I KNOW we can do it...i have'nt felt soo confident and passionate abt singing in a long time...i mean...i have always been passionate abt singing juz tt for once it has actually hit its peak once again...the first time was at my very 1st SYF...where we got silver in sec sch...i mean...i had nvr imagined tt i wld belong to a grp tt sounded good...i mean..at tt time i din really noe wad was GOOD and good..but it was tt feeling...like :" WHOA!! OMG!!i dun believe i actually belong to this grp..its damn nice...LETS DO IT AGAIN!!" kind-of feeling...i mean...its also the first time i am actually feeling songs...last time i had to force myself to feel it...nowadays its coming more naturally...or so i thot...

aft today's pract...i realised i'm growing numb to the songs...i no longer feel it anymore..i mean..i KNOW wad and how i'm supposed to feel...i can SOUND tt way but it becomes soo fake and superficial...to me lah..its not coming from within...and i've nvr been in a relationship b4..so its like..in the 1st place i am already not really feeling it...but juz imagining it its good enuff...but now...its becoming a "forced" to feel kind of thing...i need a break form the songs...which is why we have 2mr and mon off..i guess we all really need to take a breather from the songs...the probs now are like mainly got to do with emotion...its emotionally stressing and exhausting to keep trying to FEEL the song..ESP USAHAY...good news is easy to feel...sunset is easier to feel...so evryone has been happy like in good news and most ppl knw the feeling of going home and tt kind of awe and relief...but usahay..liek wad she said : " DIG DEEPER" but how to dig when there is'nt anything to begin with? hiaz...tts why a break is necessary...BUT! wad worries me is tt knowing our choir we 4get stuff DAMN EASILY..missing 2 days of choir may very well KILL us instead of help us...oh well..PRAY! tts all i can do now..and evryone shld do the same...

i am SOOOOOO proud and encouraged by the altos...seriously...we REALLY ROCK..i mean..i have NVR been in a section where EVRYONE is dedicated..the same amt of commitment and dedication..ALL 10 of us you noe...i am impressed by the J1s..seriously..and thank goodness for tt...we are all able to wrok together well and progress faster and more efficiently...i love you all to bits seriously...i nvr really liked being alto..i grew to love it but now the love for it has grown...i mean...i think we were the ONLY section tt had ppl crying today lah...ha..shows you how worried evryone in the section is..whether you cried or not...i know we are ALL worried ..but have faith...we ARE good...seriously...i have nvr seen a section improve soo much within 1 sectional..i guess its because you all are capable we expect more..well..we CAN do it...have faith!!!at the end of the day ...gold or no gold...we KNOW we did our best...we gave A LOT of effort.. ALL 10 of us..NO REGRETS! back to top?

its only 6 days to SYF...its scary...we are not consistently good...we have our peaks and dips...today's practice was GOOD....seriously...if only we can maintian tt for the next few practices and really show wad we got on wed..

we SERIOUSLY, TRUELY, DEFINITELY have the potential for GOLD...to ENSURE we WILL get it we HAVE to be consistently good for ALL practices..and juz have to be ourselves and comfortable and confident...we have to be 'vulnerable' like charlie said...i guess its vulnerable in the sense tt we must not be afraid to let our feelings come out..we sound really good when we are all focused...we juz need to maintain tt energy and drive for the next few days to SYF..

we gotta be confident in the sense we have to "teach" the judges how to "sing" the song..i mean...we've been singing the bloody 3 songs for 3 bloody months lah...WE of ALL PEOPLE shld noe the song better than ANYONE else...we gotta show it to the judges: THIS is how CJC does it man...and you'd better like it... this attitude is especially true for good news...but in being confident we can't get over confident...we still gotta rmb all tt we've learnt and rmb tt we are not let off till aft we have sung...we gotta ENJOY the time we have up there...go there and have fun...controlled fun..not fun to the point you get soo caught up with having fun tt you forget to do all tt we have done and learnt...in tt way we wun rush,confidence will come out and we will sound good to the fullest potential...and we WILL walk out of the stage with NO regrets...i TOTALLY agreee with mari...as long as we can walk out and tell ourselves it was a good job..tts all tt matters...if our best is a silver..then let it be a silver...seriously...we CAN get GOLD...

haha...as you can tell...penning down my speech..my speech tt i wld give shld the choir need a pep talk.. back to top?

you know when you see a person TOO many times in a day...its juz plain weird rite?? like..*puts on the mr goh's accent* "COME Onnn....." i mean...i dun even see melia and maylyn or the rest of the gang like more than 3 times during my whole day in school lah...and we're same combi somemore can?? ha...saw a fren from LTC like WAAAY too many times yesterday aft GP mock paper...terrorise me at the bus stop then terrorise me at scotts picnic then terrorise me on the way to tangs and then terrorise me on the way to PS...man...too much of a coincidence rite?? damn weird..saw him with his "girlfren"..when i first saw him i thot he was his mother or sth...=P OOPS!!! i mean i only took a glance lah..ha..then melia was saying she noes the girl..apparently from STC..ha..

anyway...yea..apparently my prev entry was worrying...i apologise..din mean to worry all of you...had to have an outlet..tts all..thanks for all your concern =)..feeling better now..well...2mr gg SCH..hope its a fruitful session..

got my choir white shoes today..they are growing on me...i'm satrting to like them more and more..except tt we spent like dunno HOW long looking for it and spending 30 bucks on it when the price tag said 19.90 and tt at least 5 other ppl have the same shoe...OH WELL!! still like it!! and i'm under going some kind of internal global warming lah..damn heaty..my thorat feeling damn dry,had a nse bleed juz now...big mouth ulcer..man...dying.. back to top?

i was juz thinking today...there is'nt a single thing i can do well in..seriously...wad i can do..evryone can do...so ........wad makes me ME?? in fact there are some things tt i do tt there are ppl tt can do it WAAAAAAAy better than i can...

i can't sing..i mean...so wad if i can hold tunes well and harmonise well and wadeva..many other ppl can too..its not like i'm damn good singer like tannie or hui min or michelle or whoever...i can't teach properly due to my lack of musical knowledge..i dun even noe enuff to teach porperly..i have no solid knowledge of vocal training to teach ppl how to sing..all tt i noe is wad i learnt as a choir member in sec sch and how i teach is based on my 3 measly years as sectional leader...i dun have decent piano-playing abilities...yea...there ain't anything special...choir and singing is all tt i think i am TRUELY good at..like comparing with all the other things in life...and i'm not exactly the best and the most active VP ard ..and mind you...the only reason why i'm helping to fine-tune the altos is coz i'm the only senior tt has been in a choir before...

i can't jump,i can't run...ok..fine..so my 2.4 i passed relatively well this time..i did all my 5 items within the criteria for silver..i was THAT close to not having to do mass pe ANYMORE...and more imptly prove to myself tt i am not as unfit as i thot i was...then came to my worst nightmare since pri sch..STANDING BROAD JUMP....tt bloody mat..juz can't jump..maybe its coz i got tree trunks for legs..i dunno...mr foo and all my classmates kept telling me to lift my legs and kick the mat like i hate it.. I DO HATE IT...i know wad i'm supposed to do but HOW do i do it?? practice..yea...i have to..the doing mass pe again part bothers me but not as much as the fact tt i may be the ONLY one having to do mass pe out of all the girls in my class...its easier for girls to get silvers and gold..i TOTALLY agree...but not when you are a GIRL like ME...its depressing...i'm EXTREMELY affected by one particular point..its a ego thing..i can't type it here coz it'll be damn hurtful...so forget it..

i'm not good in my studies..not good enuff at least...my A's are flukes and they are nvr stable A's..recently no even C's...4get abt university lah...i nvr thot i cld anyway..even if i cld...wad wld i do?? i have NO idea...i'm not exactly the best looking girl ard such tt i can land myself a modelling contract if i REALLY cannot do anything neither can i join ms s'pore universe in hope tt i land myself some stupid contract promoting God noes wad..dun ask me where the looks part came in ...i juz finshed an essay on beauty for GP..ARGHH!!!! i hate this feeling of no confidence and low self-worth and self-esteem being shattered..you may think i'm stupid allowing one bloody SBJ affect me to this rate,..i feel stupid too..but i guess it juz hurts knowing tt your 100% best juz was'nt good enuff and other's 50% best cld land them with a good result...maybe phyllis IS right...hardwork IS over-rated..

i hate feeling this way and i bet you guys are sick of hearing me rant on abt how much i suck..bear with me...this blog is juz one of very few outlets i have to release steam and all my troubles... back to top?

man...sat's practice was such an encouragement...both charlie and mrs lok said tt the gold was within reach...a MUCH closer reach than it was before...i was very happy lah...coz i more or less agreed...we sounded good tt day in the dance studio...maybe its the room? good in the sense not a one-off thing leh..it sounded consistently good...i was damn happy..and when i got the recording of fri's practice in the LT i was even more encouraged...we sounded good lah...tone and evrything...dynamics realtively there..it was GOOD..not fnatastic...but good...=)

today..dunno if it was juz tt evryone was tired or wad but it was BAD...off pitch,off-timing and altos tone was bad...annabelle is like the tone-checker and pitch-checker in alto 1 and its good tt she bothers to and tells me or whoever so tt we can work sth out as a section to clean it up...as of now there are still ppl zao-sia-ing and there are still ppl sounding rough...sounding rough and not round are evry hard to correct...it takes constant effort in trying to rmb to sound round and smooth and it needs constant training on the individual's part...man..need to pull out time to smoothen tone and DE-scoopyfy some parts of sunset esp ..here are the probs of altos:

sunset---
-pitching the moment we hit "Vi-ina tambura" is already slightly flat and it juz gets worse at the scale the "tambura vina tambura vina tabla tabla tabla"..
-the cheena part someone is STILL scooping : cun~~ zhuang..
- evry sections's prob excpet the sops :AHHHHHHHHHHHH
the stagger breathing still not very good
- the Vi-na the -na still too long...

usahay--
- Oo parts still sounding very forced out..not hollow enuff tho its MUCH MUCH BETTER than before...
- the U-sa-HAY..not smooth and seamless enuff yet...not ROUND..tts the MOST ipmt thing..NOT ROUND...
- the recording form fri seemed tt the "nga nong"part the altos totally disappear..need to work on confidence at that part..
- changing note too fast

ain't a that good news--
-its the relatively better song tho need to avoid sounding like we are shouting.
-cannot loose control over voice juz coz its a more laid back song tt does not require it to sound THAT choral...needs the control and intensity too.. back to top?

2.4!!!!!!! MWAHHAAH!!!!!!!!! I PASSED!! and i did my best in my whole life of 2.4 running lah! WHEE!!!!!!! now i juz gotta make sure i clear my other hurdle...STANDING BROAD JUMP..UGH! hate tt to the core man...

anyway...SYF is in 2 weeks time...choir is more or less soidifying the techinical foundation of the song...the most difficult part in my opinion now is the emotion part...i mean..evryone feels differently abt sth..you can't expect evryone to GENUINELY feel the way the song wants/supposed to be...so the next thing to do is to TEACH ppl HOW to feel...now THAT is tough...so yea...to feel the song..to BE the song..

well...gowns are settled...gals are probably gonna look like brides...but oh well...hope it wun look THAT bad..man...i think i'm gonna die of a ruptured stomach wall..then hydrochloric acid will corrode all my internal organs and hydrocholic acid will come out of my mouth and i'll die...man...keep burping lah..like serious case or burping lah...like from the stomach..burping constantly for almost once evry hour lah...bad man...maybe i DO have worms in my tummy...=S back to top?

mass pe 2 days in a row can seriously handicap you lah...can't walk down stairs like a decent human being..gotta rush down..can't walk properly..man..hate it when tt muscle above the knee is acidified...mwahha...for non-bio students...when you get muscle aches it is due to the build up of lactic acid in your muscle as the muscle cells undergo anaerobic respiration due to the lack of oxygen made available to the cells for the cells to undergo respiration to produce ATP tt supply you with your energy and the build up of lactic acid as the product of anaerobic respiration is what contirbutes to your muscle aching...mwahaha...bio lesson...my phrasing may be a bit weird but...OH WELL!!! there IS a reason why i dun get A's and B's in bio lah...

talking abt sch work...i juz had chem test today...man..sure gonna fail...KB ONG set one lah...man...i know some ppl found it easy..but i din really study for it..i studided it half-heartedly lah...coz had bio SPA today oso...SPA being a national exam of coz i studied more for it or rather i made more effort in memorising bio than chem..ok..havign SPA is no excuse to not study but yea..

ANYWAY...yea..mum's got a 12.2 fibroid in her uterus..will have to undergo major surgery soon to remove it..normal fibroids are abt 4-5 cm but her's is...12.2 lah..so yea..they may hve to remove her whole womb lah...and hopefully her ovaries are not affected lah..man..quite worrying lah...and coz her fibroid is like abnormal size so aft surgery normal ppl can like move in less than a day or sth but she has to stay in hospital for 4-5 days then 1 whole month of recouperation at home...so its quite serious lah...will greatly appreciate all your prayers....=)

yet another sad piece of news..my mp3 batt cover broke!!!! ARGH!!! in sch today i took the cover off to change the batt..then the hook on the cover tt holds the cover in place broke..like hanging lah..so i gently place it back,hoping it wld stay alive till until i at least got home..then as i was walking home the cover detatched and the "hook" broke..it was dark btw..so i was literally crwaling ard the floor looking for tt small piece of plastic...found it...placed it carefully in pocket..got hom emptied pocket but could not find it..so noi gotta hold the cover with scotch tape man...this is sad..on a happier note..i got my green band!!! WHEE!! from giodarno..now i want the orange one..WHEE!!! back to top?